Today, being the day after the St. Patrick's Day parade here in Jim Thorpe, reminded me of something from a little while back. I was debating on writing about this, but figured, eh, why not.... it just very well could help someone. Who knows.
In 2008, the Monday after the parade, I lost my job due to my addiction and alcoholism. The date was actually March 9, a different week, but same day as far as being the day after the parade. The final straw that lead to the job loss was that I was late for work, again. I was not allowed to miss anymore work. I was warned numerous times. I had to send an email when I got there to let them know I was in and signed on to the computer. I was not allowed to take any vacation time, and I just gotten 5 weeks. I was stressed knowing I could, and probably would, lose my job, and I almost had wished it would just happen. I was basically just waiting for that day to come. Around 4:00, I got a call to go to a specific room at the huge company where I was working. I stopped at a co-worker's desk and told her I'd probably be calling her from the road. My gosh, I remember it was if it were yesterday. A person from HR was there, along with my current manager. They reminded me how I was not to be late anymore, etc, and that I was being terminated.
I was fired, and rightfully so. They had put up with so much of my stuff, maybe more than most places would, I don't know, but they did. I brought it all on myself, with my behaviors. I was making great money for this area, and for my age, and I gave it all up for alcohol and drugs, because I was sick in my mind, and then became sick in the body, as well. It became an obsession.
So, they had gone to my desk, gotten my belongings while I waited in that room, I told them what was in the drawers, which they later mailed to me. I liked the current manager, and as I walked past him as I left the room, I said in a very low and whispered voice, "Thanks, [and his name]", and if I'm remembering correctly, he said "I'm sorry, Desh." I'm actually choked up writing this right now because I just felt like he had a soft spot. I also remember feeling badly for him, putting him in that position. I was walked to my car by security after handing in my company ID and company credit card. The guard followed me to the gate in his car, opened it for me, and waited for me drive out.
As I left that facility, I was already cracking open a beer that I had in the car. Yep. I had beer waiting in the car. The very thing that caused me to lose my job, was the very thing I welcomed. And it welcomed me.
The day came. I actually felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I am not proud of it, but was so tired of trying, and I just wanted it to happen; what I knew was inevitable. I called my friend / coworker from the road, beer in hand, and told her I was on the way home. I felt such a sense of relief. I was there 10 years and 1 day, had just gotten 5 weeks vacation, and I was fired.
The reason I was late that morning, was because the night before, I took a bunch of pills, again. That was the 2nd time. I was so tired. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. This is where this sickness took me. Only a few people had known about that 2nd pill incident, until now. I remember apologizing to my dogs and crying a bit as I laid down on the couch. Yes, Bella was one of those dogs. I woke up. I have no idea why, but I woke up. For some reason, here I am / here we are. I'm so friggin' glad that I can be here with Bella. My gosh, where would she be right now? Who knows. I just know now that I have some kind of purpose. We all do. Believe it. You may not see it now, but you do. So I'm going to continually try to fulfill mine, along with caring for and sharing with Bella. My sweet, sweet Bella. She is sleeping soundly next to me on the couch as I write this. I love to hear her snore and breathe so peacefully. It's a beautiful song. It's a beautiful thing.
This was from a sunset at Scarborough Marsh Area in Maine, taken back in November. I'm glad we are able to share it all with you.
We are given so much. Why not enjoy what we are given, and not waste it all, including our lives?