• Desha

Controlling My Drinking

Controlling my drinking: There were many ways I thought I could control my drinking, and would think I was doing ok, or at least would try to be ok, or convince myself that I was on the right track. These thoughts and rationalizations didn't last long, but I convinced myself that I would be ok. I did this for quite a long time, before I came to terms that my life was revolving around my drinking. I rationalized. I made excuses. I lied to others. I lied to myself. I was in denial. A few of those ways I'd try to control it: -I would wait until a certain time of day to start ("I'll wait until noon or 1:00", 4:00, etc...) -I would tell myself I'd only spend a certain amount of money that night (but it usually ended up being more) -I would switch the types of drinks I'd have- beer to wine to vodka -"No shots tonight." -"I'll only have 2 beers today." -I would tell myself, if I didn't have anything for a certain time, like a day- "I quit for today, so I know I don't have a problem", and would drink again the next day. I rationalized it. -If I waited until 6:00 that night, I'd tell myself something like, "see, I didn't need one all day, I can have it now, and can control it". Again- rationalized it. Denial. -I stopped many, many times, but didn't stay stopped. Some of those times I stopped were for longer periods, but eventually, I drank again, and didn't really stop. I cannot believe how much my life revolved around a liquid in a bottle. Unreal. I didn't want to do things without it. I had to have some before I went places, many times. I'd go places where i knew it would be, just so I could "relax" and have a few; whatever the case would be. These rationalizations, or trying to control it, was about fighting the drink. I fought to not drink in those times, or tried to find ways around it, in my mind. Today my life is not about, not drinking. It's about living. It's about filling that space with good things, that the booze once occupied. It's about a healthier and more freeing way of life. It's about not just existing. It's about living. Our paths are all different, but we all have a wonderful life waiting for us. There's so much ahead of each and every one of you, no matter what age you are, what you are doing in life. Believe it, even if you can't quite see what it is, just yet. Photo was taken at Ridgevale Beach Area at sunset, Chatham, MA Feel free to contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy...

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