• Desha


Communion Today in church, we received communion, as we do each week. Today was a little different in that I drank more caffeine in a shorter amount of time than I usually do, and felt it. I was shaky, could hear it in my voice, and felt it in my body. When I went up to receive it, I almost had to hold my wrist with my left hand, to keep my right hand steady (the one I was using). OMG it just reminded me of the times that I was finding my way back to church, which was in the height of my addiction and alcoholism. I felt awful when I was there, and even left a few times. I didn't really want to talk to anyone, and some were so cheery, and you know how it is when you're hung over. In my case, I was hung over, and starting to withdrawal, as I did most days. I was shaky, had the cold sweats, head-achy, and nauseous, and just felt weak all over, most days. I was going to church, even though it was sporadic, but I felt good about trying, but felt awful, overall. I was right where I should have been, though. As time went on, as I tried to keep going back, I had this great idea to sneak in the bathroom when the choir sang, to pound something (usually 2 beers or some vodka), to help with the withdrawal and to help loosen up a bit. Yeah, I did that- I snuck in the bathroom at church, and drank! I'm not proud of it, but it's part of what I did. And again- I was right where I needed to be. I was struggling, and struggling badly. We all struggle in different ways, at different times. We don't go to church because we are perfect. Not one of us are. We go to learn, and try to apply, and to keep growing as things are shown to us, that needs to be worked out, which is a life-long process. We go "here" to church, because we're not all "there". Ha! And then we try to pass it on, as well. Anyway, when I'd go up for communion on the days I was physically present in church, I was so embarrassed because I was shaking, sometimes so badly that I was afraid I was going to spill the cup or knock other cups over that were in the holder / tray, or even knock the whole tray out of the holder's hands. I hated that he saw me shaking, too. I hated going up, but I did it. I didn't have the whole understanding of why we received it (not that we ever will, but I wasn't really grasping much, at all), but I knew it was important, and that it had to do with Jesus, and what He did for us. And that importance outweighed anything, I guess you could say. Apparently so, because I went up. So when I went up today for communion and was shaky, I had to smile and shrug my shoulders a bit, because it was different. I was shaky for a different reason. It brought back that memory of the previous communion days, as I shook, but I smiled and chuckled and shrugged it off. I had to get up and speak later in the service as a part of it, and I heard my shaky voice, so I acknowledged out loud that I wasn't nervous in that way, or anything, but just the caffeine had an affect on me. It was kind of fun to say that. And it was the truth. I wasn't sneaking in the bathroom, I wasn't trying to cover up anything. I was blatantly honest, and can even have fun with it. Anyway, that's my story tonight, and I'm sticking to it! Bella is out like a light. She's got a little illness going on inside, and is on some medicine, but will be ok. She's still been out and about, doing her doggie thing. Just taking it a bit easier right now. Have a great and peaceful night :) This is a panning shot from the opposite direction of the sunset, Old Orchard Beach, Maine. Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy!

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