• Desha

Selfishness


Selfishness- Drinking for me was pure selfishness. I wanted to feel better. I did it to feel better. Or if not better, to feel different. My universe began to revolve around it. I can't tell you when it happened, but it did. It kind of crept up until it basically took over. It was my God. I believed in God to an extent, but He took the back burner to alcohol. I had to have it. It became routine, it became a necessary thing mentally, and eventually, it became a physical need. If I didn't have it, I'd shake. I'd get sweaty, nauseous, headache, among other things. I'd crack one open just to relieve those symptoms, or just because it was "time" to do so. My life suffered, and I didn't realize it. For a time, I didn't think I was hurting anyone, besides myself to some extent, and even that wasn't really sunken in my brain. The fact that I had to have it- something that truly affected me and my life so much, is a selfish and self-centered thing. It's crazy how much you don't realize it, until you stop for a while- how much it truly interferes with your life. I really didn't know how much it did. I probably will never realize it, to the full extent. I was lazy at times, I had to plan around having it, and be sure I had it in the house over the holidays. I spent who knows how much money on it, tried to control it at times, and if I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about it. It occupied my mind. There was a time when I couldn't even picture my life without it. It was my normal. What would I do for weddings, even my own wedding? I was so young, and the though of going the rest of my life without it was so far out of the park, I just couldn't conceive it. I couldn't see that light, even though I could tell you that I could. But it's ironic, the light you may think you see in life, is nothing compared to when you make a true change toward the greater good for yourself, and for another. I am so grateful that this was lifted. I don't have to drink, cause someone else to stumble in that area, and honestly, I can't imagine my life with it anymore. It's like- why even bother? What's it truly do for me? I can tell you!! But I mean what good does it actually do? Nothing, really. It's just like anything- some things you just shouldn't have, and that's just one thing for me. It's pretty simple. It's like an allergy. I'd rather be 'allergic' to alcohol than to seafood! I try to do the best I am able. I try to do the right thing, and I still stumble. What may also look right to me, may look wrong to another, in any area of life. And if I do hurt someone unintentionally, I ask God to forgive me, try to make it right, and try to learn moving forward. That never stops. I hate when it happens, but it does. But let me tell you, it's so much better than it's ever been. Life will happen. It's how I handle it that is different. I can face it. I can talk about things, maybe too much at times! To see a sunrise and be up with it, and rise and start the day this way is so amazing. I appreciated it all before, and even remember holding up my cell phone trying to take a picture of a sunset while driving, with a beer in the cup holder. But that appreciation has turned into an appreciation that I never knew existed. It's amazing what things can come when changes are made in your life. I am in love with life, and with God, and now hopefully, my life revolves around Him. That void that I was trying to once fill with alcohol and other things, is now filled. I still have selfish tendencies, as we all have, but hopefully it's gotten much better over the years, and hopefully will continue to do so. Being selfless, is truly a way to live, and to love. I am so darn grateful to be sober, and walking with God. Without Him, I am truly nothing. This was taken at Chatham Fish Pier just after sunrise, after a fresh coating of snow. It was such an amazing sight to see. I hope you also enjoy it. Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy....



3 views
  • Facebook
  • Instagram