• Desha

The Day of the Parade, and the day after... 2008

I had gone to the St. Patrick's Day parade in 2008, which was on Sunday, March 9th, that year. I got pretty wasted, but was still pretty coherent. I knew I had to get up for work the next day, so I was trying to be careful, trying to control how drunk I got. I was at the point at my job, where I couldn't miss any more time off work, and was being monitored due to my actions- missing work, calling off all the time, going in late, etc... I didn't want to go into work. I had seen people that I worked with at the parade, and felt like hiding, but at the same time, I didn't care. I didn't care about a lot of things, anymore. I was tired of caring. I was tired of trying, so I just went on recklessly with my actions, and with my life. I got back to my place, fed the dogs- Lilah & Bella, did whatever else, while still drinking at the house. At this point, I don't remember a whole lot, but I remember grabbing a bottle of pills that I had at the house, and taking a bunch of them. This was the second time I had done this. The other time was late September of '07, where I ended up in a psyche ward for a few days. I took those pills on this particular day, not even a year later... more like 6 months later, and I was crying. I remember apologizing to the dogs, saying how much I loved them. I was scared, but not scared enough to call someone or to make myself vomit up the pills, or anything. The worst part was knowing I was leaving my girls. I was afraid to die, but was so tired of living, especially the way I was living. I fell asleep, most likely with tears streaming down my face. To my surprise, I woke up that next morning. I felt groggy, sluggish, and very out of it, as though I was walking in a dream. Probably more like a nightmare, but you hopefully get the idea. I took care of the girls, made a call to work with some excuse about my car, and drove in. If I remember correctly, I got in around 11:30 that day. My normal start time was 8:30. I got a call to meet at a conference room around 4:00 later that day. I knew the drill. I was not allowed to miss ANY work anymore, I had to report in when I got there, was not allowed to be late at all, and a few other things. So when that phone rang and I was asked to go to one of the conference rooms, I knew. I even stopped at a woman's desk (a co-worker / friend of mine) on the way down and told her I'd probably be calling her from the road. Sure enough, I got to that conference room, with 3 people- my manager, HR, and security, and was terminated. I knew it was just a matter of time, and quite honestly, part of me was glad. I was at that job for ten years, and one day. March 9, 1998, to March 10, 2008. I had just gotten 5 weeks vacation, had an excellent pay for my age and for our area, traveled all over, but addiction took it from me. I gave it all away to this sickness, and kept feeding into it. My manager went and got my things from my desk, the rest was mailed to me, and I was walked out. I handed in my corporate credit card, my badge, and was escorted out of the building, taken to my car, and was escorted out of the gate there. As soon as I was out of the gate, I reached for a beer that I had stashed in my car. I had several stashed in there. I drove home, made that call to my coworker, while drinking the entire 45-minute drive back home. That is how sick I was. I am not sharing this for sympathy or a pat on the back; I am not living in the past. I share this because I know someone is out there in this viscous cycle, this downward spiral. If all I talked about was how great it is today, even with all the challenges, people trapped in the midst of the darkness would not know how to relate. It's a part of what got me to where I am, today. It’s honestly like I’m writing about someone else. I guess you could say that I am... I know I am free because I can share this with another in hopes that it touches someone in some way, to spark a little hope, to plant a little seed; to just share a little of my own experiences, some strength, and some hope that this world so desperately needs, in hopes that someone out there gains whatever they need. If I go on to the next life tomorrow, even 7 minutes from now, I'll go sober. I'll go knowing I am trying to continue to live a better life, and not for me, but for the benefit of Bella, and for others. I'm so grateful... This scene was from a sunset at Pine Point, Maine, back in September of 2016. Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy, and may peace be with you!

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