• Desha


So these Facebook memories thingie (yes, the thingie, and for those on Facebook probably understand what I mean) brings up some date of which I'd forgotten, off and on. I remember instances, but not always the specific dates. This one came up this week, so I figured, why not? So, back on this day in 2009... It was a Friday. Friday, March 13th. I had been clean and sober for almost 6 months. Two weeks shy, to be exact. I had gotten out of rehab for the 4th time. I was in a relationship that was like a fairy tale to me. I basically had an ultimatum to go, or he was leaving. I went. I wanted to go back home and be with him. He convinced me to stay, as well as the people at the rehab. I did my 3.5 week stint, felt great, like a new person, as usual when I stopped for an amount of time. I had stayed sober from that rehab in October, to this point; to this day, almost six months. I was happy, in love, never going to drink or drug, again. I had a new life with someone whom I was so happy... Until this day. To back up a few months, I had gotten him / us tickets to go see a play in New York. He had never been there, so figured it'd be a great thing to do. I was so excited, even based on my old posts here. We were going to see "Wicked" that next day, Saturday, and then the St. Patrick's Day parade on that Sunday. Back to that Friday- he had taken my car for something on that Friday, and to this day, I can't remember why. I couldn't get a hold of him all day. I tried calling, texting... nothing. I felt like something was up, but was hoping I wasn't right. Finally, around 3:00, I got a text back, and I remember this, saying, "I f-cked up". I knew what it meant, but couldn't quite believe it. I needed to hear the exact words from him. He got high. He went and got cocaine and got high. His probation was up, which I didn't know he had at the time, and after he could get away with it, he went out. I thought he just didn't do those things anymore. He encouraged me not to, as well. It was "great" in that way. I was in shock and disbelief. I was disgusted. I was angry beyond any words. I was sad. I-- was helpless. My mom was on her way to stay overnight to watch the girls the next day while we went to New York. I could barely keep myself composed when she arrived (and probably didn't), but also couldn't tell her what was going on, except that I didn't think we were going because of a fight. He came back to the house after over an hour of coaxing him to do so, we went up to the bedroom after a few words harsh with each other (mostly on my end), and then I asked him if he had any left. I wanted to do what he had done. He didn't have any, so we went and got some, and I don't think I'll ever forget this- as we were in the place where we scored, with a very small child there, no less, the lines were laid out, and the girl there said, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". And I did that line. And more that night. We ended up going to the play the next day. I was disgusted, angry, and upset with myself, and with him (but I couldn't let him know that). He acted like I was over-reacting. My (almost) 6 months had meant so much to me, and he didn't care at all. And it went out the window with one damn line. I was miserable, but tried to make the best of it, and actually enjoyed what I could grasp from the play. I didn't drink that day, thinking I'd be ok. But I kept tearing up during the day, but he made fun of me, and demeaned my emotions and my thoughts. I got out of rehab that past October, and put all my efforts into him; into the relationship. It didn't keep me sober. I didn't have anyone else in my life, for the most part, that would benefit me in the direction of sobriety. I didn't have any kind of outlet, or foundation. A relationship became my focus and my main thing in life. I didn't deal with the stuff that made me drink or drug. I didn't work on fixing myself, at all. My focus just shifted to still another place. Just like alcohol was like God to me, because everything revolved around it, my relationship had done the same after I stopped drinking. BUT- no one can take away your sobriety, except you. No one can make you drink or drug; no one can make you succumb to whatever it is from which you are trying to break free. I needed time to work on me, find myself a bit, so to speak, find out what made me tick, why I did what I was doing. I didn't give myself a chance, at all. That- is what NOT to do, folks. Give yourself a break. Give yourself a chance. You are so worth it. There’s no time limit, either. I didn't think I could ever be alone, which was part of why I keep up that cycle in those types of relationships. I wanted someone around, even if they weren't good for me. Once I decided to get sober, that light went on, and I just knew I needed and wanted to be alone for a while, and put my efforts into getting better, and to put my efforts into my little girl. I realized quickly that there were good people waiting to spend time with me, but I had to also put that foot forward with them. I may be alone now, but I am not lonely, and I actually enjoy my time. Who knew that'd happen? Certainly not I. I realize that I don't "need" someone, but choose to want to be with another person, and I cherish it. It's such a big difference, and a beautiful one, at that. I was going through these pics, once again, from when Bella and I drove the coast of Maine after losing a job. This was taken from somewhere in Acadia, just after sunrise. If I had not gotten better, I would have missed this opportunity, missed all this beauty that is out there waiting to be seen, and would have missed all this time with Bella. Even if I was physically there, I wasn't there fully, mentally. I am so darn grateful that I chose this path once it clicked in my brain that I wanted a change in life. I know I can give Bella the best life I am able, and am so thankful for her, our time together, and the opportunity to see this beautiful world, and share it all with you. And I know there's so much more to be seen, even right in front of us. I really hope to get back there, someday. This was taken with my Nikon d5100, and a kit lens. It's all about the appreciation, and the memories. Taken 10.4.13 Feel free to contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy...

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