• Desha

"We Are Now Officially Self-Employed"

"We are now officially self-employed." These are the exact words written/posted here two years ago- July 29, 2016, 4:12 pm- as I was leaving the parking lot of the last day of my job in the business / corporate world. I honestly can't believe it's been two years. And I don't regret it one bit. To backtrack, I had been in the business world since college. First as an inside sales rep, then as a biological products associate (sales), a liquid bulk logistics scheduler (scheduling trucks), then in customer service (the last job in that kind of position). I didn't leave this position in one split decision. I see how it came to be, and with the help of my mentors, too. Sometimes you are brought to a point of change in some way or another, and that's what happened here. I hated what I was doing by the time I left. The company and people were great, but I knew it wasn't meant for me anymore, and I felt totally trapped and confined. Anxiety was through the roof, and I hated to leave Bella, knowing she was getting older. I knew for quite some time, years I mean, that I wouldn't be in this type of position forever, and that's what partially kept me going. I know God was working things out, and I had to wait it out until I knew it was time. I knew I wouldn't be financially stable no matter what, and I wasn't when I was in the last position, so I knew I just had to keep faith that it would all work out. I haven't been financially stable since I've been sober. I'm trying, but it ain't happening (yet), but I know I've been sustained in some way, or another. Anyway, like mentioned above, I felt so confined that I literally felt like my insides were being ripped out. All I kept thinking was how "God can't be confined". Maybe that was God speaking to me. I would listen to music and look for signs all the time. A few songs that always spoke to me were, "Motions" by Matthew West- I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day, without Your all-consuming passion inside of me, I don't wanna life my whole asking, 'What if I had given everything?' Instead of going through the motions." I felt like I was just going through the motions, and maybe I was supposed to be for a time. If you look at the story behind the song, it's amazing, too, and why I was soooo attracted to that song. Another song- "Majesty" by Michael W. Smith, which has an extra special meaning to me, but always spoke and speaks to me, "Your grace has found me just as I am, empty-handed but alive in Your hands." There were a few others, but that's two examples. I took a chance getting sober. I took a chance talking about my Faith. I took a chance going public about my sobriety. I took a chance at blogging about life. So, what's one more thing? I honestly don't care anymore, and it's freeing. I believe that God is behind it all, and my Faith in all of this continues to help keep me going, even on days that I struggle, which is probably more than I'd care to admit. I look back and remember that feeling of leaving the parking lot, and it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, just like when I truly decided to get sober, and meant it. And then acting on it. Making a decision is one thing, but acting on it is another. I felt it was the right thing to do. It was time. I knew I'd have a rough road ahead of me, but I honestly didn't care anymore, in that I just had to trust God. Our business- mine, Bella's, and the glue that is God- is successful in so many areas, and I'm waiting for some areas to hopefully catch up. It's almost like trial and error, and a process. You find what works, what doesn't. You try one thing, and it may work for a while to get you to the next thing, then you let it go. It doesn't stop. Kinda like life, right? I can tell you one thing, especially now: I am so freaking grateful to have these past two years with Bella. If she and our situation helped to bring me to that point of stepping out, then so be it. God will use whatever He can to get our attention, and did so for me to get sober, and to continue as I go along in life. I'm sure I miss a lot, but heck, I'm human like everyone else. But to be here for Bella, and to be sober and fully here for her in that way- physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I am so thankful beyond what any words can describe. I still look back and can't believe what God has done and continues to do. I'm thankful for all of the support, for those in my life and those who are no longer. Everyone we have met along the way has aided in this journey. That goes for anyone, anywhere, too. I can speak only for my own situation, but I do see how amazing life can be, if we take some time to really look. It isn't always easy, and most times, it can be tough, but look a bit beyond the tough, and you may just see something amazing. It just may help, too. Trust God, clean house, and help others. Thank You. Bella had an ok day today. She went to church and showed us Peace. She saw her Grammie. She had Reiki, then some icy cream, and a walk on a part of the trail where she hasn't been in a bit. She seemed perky for that walk, even though her breathing sounds awful. Now she is out. She has to fast before her scope tomorrow. I'll be fasting with her. Photo: An Old Orchard Beach Sunrise Reflection. Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy... and may peace be with you.

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