• Desha

When I Truly Decided to Get Sober-

When I Truly Decided to Get Sober- I know there are people out there still struggling with the battle of addiction. You may be at the point where you know you don't want to do it anymore, and you want to stop, and maybe even have for a day, or even a few days. Here's to you, and anyone else that may get something out of this. I knew that Sunday night, that I was done. Or, I had at least hoped. Something really deep inside me knew it was different this time, though. I went out with a friend to TGIFriday's, had my liquid dinner with a side of food, and went home and crashed for the night. I got up the next day- a Monday, went to work, felt awful as usual- both mentally and physically- but prepped my mind through the day on what to do when I got out of work. I knew I wanted to go to a meeting. By prepping my mind, I was more inclined to do it. Kind of like visualizing the foul shot in basketball- you're more likely to make the shot if you play that tape over and over. I wanted to stay sober. I wanted to stay clean and sober more than I wanted to drink or use. I had been to rehab 4 times, and didn't stay sober after any of them. I knew what to do, though. That day, I began the process of staying sober. That's the day I began to live life, on life's terms, not mine. I knew I needed help for so long. People would tell me how I drank, and I didn't want to hear it, at all. It helped me to hear when people told me about how they drank, themselves; what they were feeling, how it was when they first got sober, and it gave me something to relate to, and grasp on to. It gave me hope, and I didn't feel so alone. I began to meet new people and do a few other things. My gosh, what would I do with all that time that I used to drink or get high?? When I started that different path, those things came to me, and perhaps, I came to them, as well. I was met right where I was, and got just what I needed, once I truly surrendered to this sickness, and opened my mind, heart, and body to a different way of life. I was in counseling, I was also starting to get back to church, came to my faith not long after I got sober, and began to try to put effort there, as well. God met me, and I finally let Him in, and have (some of) His way with me. I didn't announce it to anyone this time, not even my mom. I verbally told her when I was six months sober. I had tried to get sober so many times, and I did! I just didn't stay sober. This time, I just did what needed to be done. My ego ran my life. I had to begin somehow, to try to gain some humility and do what I needed to do, no matter what. That first week, the evil forces tried to get me back (and even after). The sickness wanted me to drink again. I almost went out that following Friday, right after that Monday I just mentioned above. I actually contemplated going to a bar with coworkers. I wanted to fit in with them, among some other things. BUT, everything pointed me back toward my town, and I can blog about that some other time. I went to where I needed to be, and low and behold, got what I needed. And I felt great about myself the next morning. When we get sober, things will come against us. This disease, this sickness, seriously wants us dead, and if we continue, it will have its way. I was so dead on the inside- I was a walking shell, basically. And the physical death was close behind. I was just so damn sick of living the way I was living. I was sick and tired, of being sick and tired. I was tired of the nonsense. I didn't know how to live without a drink, but was tired of living WITH it. Dying looked appealing, but I was finally afraid of it. I wasn't afraid of it for so long, when I was active. I just didn't care. Something finally clicked. To this day, I can't tell you what it was. I wish I could, so I could offer it to others. I just finally got to that point... and I do believe I needed every last drink and drug to bring me there, along with any and everything else that I experienced along the way. I wish more would experience it. So, I just didn't drink for that day, every day. And still, today, I don't have to drink for just today. I tried not to project, and just remember that today is enough. I still have to do that, not with the drinking so much, anymore, but with other things in life. I began to live a different way. It's not really about not drinking or drugging, although in the beginning, it is. It's more about living a different way of life. Replace the bad stuff with other things. It's about becoming the person that we were created to be. I don't believe that drinking was part of what I was to do in life. Now that I look back, I see how much it got in the way of so much, but I needed to get to the point where I cared, that it did. Anyway, don't give up on yourself. Keep trying. Never give up. You are so worth it, and so loved. ___ Bella had what seemed to be a harder day today. But she did ok. I am with her. I'm having my own rough patch right now, but this will pass. Sometimes you just gotta hang on. Thank you so much for all of your generosity toward her care- at the vet, and here. We were to go this Friday, but we will be going either in the next week or 2, or in September. Will keep you posted. You guys are amazing. It just shows what we can do when we are a part of the whole. That happens with just about anything in life. We can be a part of the whole, and help another, or sometimes we have to be a recipient of what others have to offer. In sobriety, in Faith, and in life, overall. This photo was taken at Popham Beach in Maine, close to sunset. That is Seguin Island Lighthouse, and is said to be the most haunted beacon in Maine. I love the evening lighting here. Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy, and may some peace be with you.

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