"And I Know I'll Get There"
October 2, 2009 at 4:11 PM · Well, I'm home. Bag was packed, dog bags packed, then, my friend found out there was a problem at home. So, maybe next weekend. I must find a way- might be the last chance I get for a while! ___________ October 2, 2009 at 6:01 PM · Gonna have some dinner with a friend to forget the lobster roll, lobster bisque, and whole lobster (and whatever else with seafood/lobster, from Maine) I should be eating, tonight! lol! I'm ok w/ it. Things happen for a reason. And I know I'll get there. ___________
These were the posts 9 years ago on Facebook, to the day. They were referring to me and the dogs, going to Maine. My sobriety date, is March 1, 2010. These were written in '09. "And I know I'll Get There" I remember lying in bed and at 2 am, realizing that I wasn't going to be able to go. I didn't want to admit to why, but I just wasn't ready on so many levels. My interest for Maine began way back, when my mom would take me, my grandmother, and my cousin to Maine every year, to see family that was living there. We stopped going when I was around 9 or 10 years old, because the family had moved out of state. It didn't bother me or anything. It just was what it was. But back in 2001, my boyfriend at the time and I were invited to a wedding in Rockport, Maine. We ended up going, and stayed in Lewiston at his relative's place. It was in September 2001. It was somewhat eerie because 9/11 had just happened not even 2 weeks before. We were up a good part of the night before we left, partying, and ended up eventually drinking and doing some lines on the way up with what we had left. However, I remember crossing that state line, and eventually smelling that marshy smell, and it took me back to when I was a kid. I didn't realize that I had loved it as a child. Or the seed was planted, anyway. If we had never gone back that time, I don't know if I'd have ever realized how much I love it up there, like I do, today. On the way back down, I asked him to follow the signs to Old Orchard Beach. We ended up not near the pier, but down a bit. But it all came rushing back. I remember that he took a picture or 2 of me on the beach, I remember what I was wearing. I remember finding a sand dollar- or at least a good part of one, which took me back to when I was little. I had a few good memories with my mom there, and I honestly don't recall finding the sand dollars so much when I was little, but I have some of them yet, from back then. And We Got There And when I see the date of this post, in relation to when I went up there for our three week excursion back in 2013 (I had lost a job in sobriety, and took the opportunity for us to go to Maine, and travel the coast. I didn't plan on any length of time to be there, and it was 3 weeks to the day). We also tend to go up there at this time of the year. And the end of September was when I decided to try to end my life, but made it through and came back from the hospital I think either 9/30 or 10/1. This time of the year is so significant for me I couldn't believe it. It's not really a big deal, but yet, this is the first I'm really making this connection, and it's pretty cool. This was the first sunrise that we saw on our 2013 trip of a lifetime, for me and for us. Bella and I. Just being. Just doing. Just listening, connecting, and appreciating every moment. I cannot and maybe never will be able to express the depth of this trip for me and for us, but I have the memory, and the photos of the memories. And they still don't do them justice. That is what this is all about for me. Not perfection. I had my d5100 for this trip, that I had gotten used from a friend of mine. I had on it a Sigma 10-20mm wide angle lens. I was shooting aperature priority, just beginning to branch out to that. The aperature was set to f/20 for this! lol! I was shooting both RAW and jpeg. I didn't know to time the light on the lighthouse, but I caught a few with the light facing toward us. I just didn't know much, or so I felt, and it didn't matter. It mattered in that I hoped to capture some good shots, but it was so much more than that. It was about the memories. My time with Bella, time to seek, listen, and just connect in a way that I hadn't connected.
We Got There. And thank you to God for my sobriety, and for this opportunity, and every single daily opportunity to try to make a difference in some small way. The humidity was hard on Bella tonight. She did get to have some bacon today, and treats, and get lots of love from different people. She didn't like the thunder, so I sat with her for quite a while, moved with her as she moved... she even went in the shower in the bathroom here, so I let her go a few minutes but heard her back and forth, so I went in and sat on the floor with my hand on her, which calmed her, and she laid down right there. I also gave her something that helps to calm her a bit. She is sleeping now, and her music is playing at the moment. I still have a headache and not feeling the best, but so thankful and blessed not by things, but with people, Bella, and with God in my life. Portland Head Light, Cape Elizabeth, Maine 10.2.13 Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo. Feel free to share. Enjoy... and may you have peace tonight.