The "Good Ol' Days"... and more
Today I was cleaning out a box with papers in it from years ago.
So, along with that paperwork and what I saw, came a bit of yucky-ness along with gratitude.
I found old bank statements, old paycheck stubs, old credit card bills.
And it reflected the life we (my ex and I) were living at the time. The paperwork was literally from about 15 years ago, on average.
It was crazy. When I saw how much I was making, holy mackerel. I literally couldn't look at it long. I didn't feel badly, but it was just what it was at the time. I was doing very well for my age and for the area, at that time.
I saw old credit card bills, and how much I was able to pay at a time, to try to keep it up to date.
I found a corporate credit card statement (yes, a CORPORATE card), that had on it bar bills, money withdrawn in amounts that I knew were for drugs.
Old bank statements that showed check that I had written out and cashed, and checks that my ex wrote out and cashed.
If I told you the estimate of how much we used just in booze, it'd probably floor you. Add the drugs, cigarettes, lighters, gas for all the running, wear and tear on the car, missed work, and who knows what else I could think of, and I'm sure there's a ton, you'd probably fall over.
Heck, "I" could fall over!
But it's not painful for me to reflect on this for you. It just.... is. It was what it was at the time.
Even though I was making $60,000 a year (at 27 years old) and traveled a lot, I was miserable, sad, agitated, anxious, and depressed inside. I spent recklessly. I lived recklessly. I didn't appreciate what I had.
I must say that I am struggling the most I ever have, financially, after being free from alcohol and drugs for 9+ years.
I'd rather struggle this way than the way I was before.
Perspective is everything.
I know I need to make changes, which is basically something we do daily without maybe even realizing it. But I am talking about making changes on what may seem like a bigger scale.
I've been trying to get through things here because it's coming down to selling the house. I can say that I finally feel ready to do so, and it'll be up in the next few weeks, as it seems right now.
I have no idea about the next step as far as that goes, but I do know what I'm looking for as far as to rent. I have a few things that may be a "necessary" to help accommodate Bella at this stage in her life, but other than that, there's really nothing holding me back (except the cleaning out)!
I was so hesitant for so long because of uprooting Bella. Things have now been telling me it should be ok.
It's been so hard watching her have a harder time as of late. I try not to rush her when I feel a little rushed, so it slows me down, too. I remember that she is so fragile and precious, and how much I love her. I try to help her have the best days she is able.
Today we went to our church service that was held outside at a beach by a lake, and she found a nice shady spot where she nested and parked herself for the entire time.
She just doesn't seem to want to do much, anymore, overall.
I cherish our days. I am glad she can breathe clearly. I'm glad I can be here for her in mind and body. I can get up at night when she needs it, and I put her needs before my own.
The rest is about just letting it all take its course.
I may have gotten a little side-tracked in my writing, but I just went with it, tonight.
Hopefully, someone found something helpful.
This photo was taken this morning. I went for soft and minimal, with a black and white. It's the fog starting to lift, with the mountains starting to show as the clouds rolled by them.
It's so beautiful to just stand there and watch the fog dance as it rises and falls, and moves so gracefully along the valley.
We hope you are enjoying your Memorial Day weekend, and that you are staying safe.
Please contact me for prints or for use of the photo.
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May you feel peace gently and gracefully surrounding you ...